Today I:

1. Got pulled over for running a red arrow (I still swear it was yellow) on a left turn. I did it right behind a police car while talking on to my sister on my bluetooth. Apparently, even handsfree devices aren’t idiot-proof enough for me. He was nice and gave me only a warning. What kind of driver runs a red light right behind a cop?

2. Realized that this warning follows up the warning I received in my neighborhood a few weeks ago by a not-so-nice cop who stopped me for speeding on the way to school. I think he only gave me a warning because he couldn’t scan me in time, as he was busy writing another mini-vanned mom a ticket at that very moment. What kind of a driver gets two warnings within two weeks with her children in the car? (a hot one, did you say??)

3. Forgot that my daughter was on crosswalk duty today, and thus would need me (instead of the carpool) to pick her up, and thus sped mightily to retrieve her a full fifteen minutes late from the school. Nearly collided with another driver at the intersection in front of the school, and when I say nearly, I mean it…we both had to swerve and narrowly missed each other. In the panicked split-second of a near crash, I noticed the other driver was a large male with some kind of crutches leaning against the back seat. What kind of driver almost kills a sweet, heavyset handicapped man right in front of Lincoln Elementary?

4. Received a warning letter–in the form of a “friendly reminder”–from Ethan’s preschool teacher, regarding a certain stuffed white polar bear named Snowy. The kids get to take Snowy home with them on a rotating basis, and are expected to return him the following preschool day, complete with an essay outlining what activities were done with Snowy and, if the mom is so inclined, accompanying photos of ChildAndSnowyDoingCuteThingsTogether (curse those supermoms!) I have now had Snowy for two preschool days and five ensuing nights, as the two school days were split over the weekend. Tomorrow when I drop Ethan off I will have to produce
a) Snowy
b) my lamest warmed over apologies
c) a darling essay that will somehow put a positive spin on the fact that Snowy spent the entire weekend stuffed in Ethan’s closet.

5. Continued the twelve loads of laundry I started yesterday. I am not kidding. I counted. Still not done. I hate socks. And mens dress shirts.

6. Had several disastrous couponing experiences. The good deals were out of stock; the checkstand rebates didn’t work; I misread the fine print on my coupons. Final result: $24 spent on Swiffer WetJet Refill Pads. Need I say more?

7. Went to the church bookstore to buy Mothers Day gifts. Left with some piano music, a book, and two Shade shirts…all for me. Really didn’t mean to.

8. Began the arduous process of recovering two of my kids’ lost Social Security Cards, a journey which the SS people assured me would not be pleasant. What kind of a mother loses her childrens’ social security cards? Really didn’t mean to.

8. Decided to make cookies “for a sick friend.” Am helping myself to more dough every time I get up to take a batch out of the oven. Am in total denial about how rapidly I’m regaining the five pounds I’ve worked so hard to lose since Christmas. Really haven’t meant to.

9. Am no closer than I was yesterday to finding Rachael’s glasses. $241 to replace them. Really need to find them.

10. Instructed my children to make Mothers Day cards for their grandmothers. When my middle child asked to use some of my own pretty paper, I snapped at her to just use the construction paper I’d given her. Really didn’t mean to.

11. Cringed as my husband informed me that I managed to offend both homeschoolers and public school teachers/students/parents with my last post. Realized, upon a closer reading, that the post sounded like I was sore about Rachael not winning, which wasn’t the case at all. I just thought the whole dynamic of the science fair was pretty funny. But I managed to come across as an outraged, cynical, snotty stage mother. Really didn’t mean to.

12. Saw Derrick for about 2.5 minutes as I came in the door from violin lessons and he was leaving to spend the entire evening at the church. Again. Grunted something like “yeah, bye, whatever” as he was walking out the door, telling me about his long night ahead. Realized I am not as cheery and supportive as I pretend to be. Really need to change that.

And there you have my Top Twelve List of the Dumbest Tuesday Ever. (Too much material to keep it to a top ten.)

Tomorrow I will post about all of the great things that have happened this last week and snap myself out of this funk. But tonight I’m letting myself sulk. I’m going to go finish the laundry, put on some fat pants and curl up with the book I bought earlier today. It’s of the variety I usually avoid: How To Be a Better Mother. Tonight I’m not just taking, but seeking, the punishment I’m sure it will dole out. I feel like I deserve a few lashes. Yeah, my day was that bad.

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