My daughter’s ideal family

Last night, my thirteen-year old daughter showed me a project she’d finished for her Spanish Class.  The teacher asked the students to create an “ideal family tree” that included anyone they wanted as relatives.  They could choose their real family members, or come up with fantasy members of their own choosing, as long as their tree displayed what they considered their “ideal family.”

What a nice assignment, I thought, as my daughter explained it to me before showing her work.  Surely this would offer a moment of reflection for the kids; a chance to pause and recognize that the family they had been blessed with was, in fact, ideal.  I was about to share this very thought with her when she unveiled a large piece of yellow tagboard.  I stopped mid-sentence as my illusions blew like leaves off the branches of her “ideal family tree.”

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And there it is.

Grandparents:  Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer.

We watched Sound of Music last week.  Great show; I’ll give that one to her.

Parents:  Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise.

This is an improvement?  Really?

(Really?)

Aunt and Uncle:  Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock

Okay, that’s solid.  No offense to my siblings and in-laws, but these two are hard to beat (even though they made us suffer through The Proposal.)

Siblings:  Logan Lerman, Julianne Hough, Kenny Wormaid.

I have no idea who any of these brats are.

Cousins:  Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Cloe Moretz, Brooklyn Beckham.

I’ll admit I adore the first two.  The last two?  More unidentifiable brats.

Obviously, this entire episode was a bitter pill for my mother-heart (throat) to swallow.  But I think what hurt most was that after grilling my daughter, I learned that this Logan Lerman kid played the lead in the the cataclysmic remake of Footloose.  MY Footloose!  You know how I feel about that movie.  No one touches Kevin Bacon; he was a very, very important factor in my developmental years.  It’s bad enough that my little girl spat on my heart, did she have to spit on Ren McCormack too?

Look, I get it.  This is a much more attractive hand than the one my daughter was dealt.  But I told her:  don’t be fooled.  These people are surely a bunch of greedy, shallow, narcissistic heathens with nothing to offer but their botox-ed eyes and boob-jobbed bods.  I said as much to my daughter, beseeching her to reconsider the values upon which her “ideal family” was built.  Where was the commitment, the gratitude, the truth?  Where was the love, for the love?  I asked her these things pointblank, but she merely replied with a shrug.

“Whatev, Mom.”  And with that she scooped up her poster, turned her sassy self around, and bounced out of the room.

I hope she gets an F.

Three cheers for organized religion.

Last Saturday morning found me in my standard mode of listening to a podcast while scrubbing down the bathroom.  Although I was in beast-mode cleaning (as my son would say), I paused mid-Windex spray when I heard a friendly woman’s voice advertising a new “religious recovery” hotline that was recently made available to the suffering and deluded American public.

The concept is simple:  like a suicide or addiction recovery hotline, trained staff wait by the phones to help a doubtful believer in their moment of crisis.  What makes this hotline unique, however, is that instead of trying to talk the hurting caller out of destructive behavior (like a gun or a drink), the staff here try talk a caller into destructive behavior, like giving up on any religious belief whatsoever.  The end goal of each conversation, said the chipper promoter, was to help callers leave religion behind without the judgment or guilt that evolving disbelievers often encounter on their road to “recovery.”  When the show’s host argued that if nothing else, religion gave people an outlet for compassionate service, the woman replied that nothing could be more compassionate than helping someone find their way out of organized religion.

With all due respect (and by that, I mean with no respect whatsoever) I disagree.  I think the most compassionate thing you can do for a person is help them find their way into organized religion, because I think organized religion (with a few fragmented and fundamentalist exceptions) makes people—and people’s lives—better.

Here’s three reasons why:

1.  Religion requires belief in its doctrine.

I often hear people say, “I’m a spiritual person, but I don’t believe in organized religion.”  That’s a benign and well-intentioned statement, but it’s kind of like saying “I like learning, but I don’t believe in facts.”

We can dance around the deeper issues of life with nothing but our benevolent “spirituality” leading us and land in Happy Neutral Territory every time.  It’s a pleasant place; lots of company and little criticism.  But without religious doctrine—specific, non-negotionable teachings and expectations—our spirituality has no place to live and breathe.  It’s a book without binding, a heart without a spine.  Without religious doctrine and practice, our spirituality lies dormant as a lovely and passive idea.

The most toxic assumption made by our popular culture is that religion is somehow for the small-minded.  As usual, they’ve got it all backwards.  To even consider considering a belief system–reading and dissecting it’s doctrine, then thinking and praying about that doctrine’s truthfulness—requires the best and most of what our scrappy mortal brains can do.  When else do we find ourselves wide awake at 3 am, sweating in our sheets and staring out the window, trying to make sense of who we are and why we’re here?  When was the last time a piece of literature or a differential equation put you in that state?  Understanding religious doctrine—and understanding what it means for us personally—requires a whopping energy of thought, reason, and care.  The light-minded need not apply.

So intellectually grinding is this quest for religious understanding that many of us would rather skip it altogether (as is encouraged by our friendly hotline.)  Life would go on and it might even be easier.  But religion was never meant to be easy; that’s kind of the whole point.  So unlike the cynics claim, the narrow path of religious conviction—which is very different from the broader path of “spirituality”—is taken only by the strong, the thoughtful, the curious.  And the first step is confronting religious doctrine.

 2. Religion requires sacrifice.

Religious life has been on the decline in the West for decades, and I can’t quite believe that it’s all due to theological skepticism.  Religion is hard.  And it living it, harder.

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For the casual participant, religion requires some things.  For the faithful, religion requires many things.  For the devout, religion requires everything.  Time, money (yes, money), reading, teaching, testifying, meeting with others, understanding others, putting up with others.  Sometimes it’s a pain.

But what religion asks us to do pales in comparison with what it asks us not to do.  Depending on our domination, we may be asked to refrain from:  smoking, drinking, eating certain foods, gambling, premarital sex, adultery, racy books, racy tv, racy movies, racy internet, racy clothing, racy language, racy cars.  (Wait.  I think racy cars are ok.)

And these thou-shalt-nots of the body are nothing compared to those of the heart:  greed, lust, envy, pride, self-centeredness, short-sightedness, materialism, narcissism, cynicism, and a whole lotta other -isms—all are forbidden, or at the very least discouraged, by the Mean ‘ol Grouch of Religion.  No wonder so many people ignore him.

Yes, religion is hard.  But isn’t everything that matters?

That’s the question that struck—and worried—me mid-Windex spray.  Honest doubt is one thing, the path of least resistance another.  And I have to wonder:  could our society’s spiraling disdain for any kind of restraint—food, sex, money—be hijacking our willingness to sacrifice for faith, too?  Is our current religious anemia due to enlightenment, or apathy?

 3.  Religion requires change.

Whoever said “religion is the opium of the people” must have been smoking some of his own.  Far from cocooning us in a misty haze that dreams of Life Beyond, organized religion gets you off the transcendental couch and into the real world of change.  We take a hard look at ourselves in unflattering light, and it hurts.   But it also makes us grow—which is what we religious types are all about.

Not a person alive can (honestly) say of themselves, “Yep, all done here.  No further improvements needed.”  Instinct tells us we should always be changing for good, but religion gives us the reasons to do it.  (There’s gotta be reasons.  Or else why bother?)  Religion is the original blueprint for positive change.  A religious person believes that by their very human nature they are deeply loved and deeply flawed, and that mortal life is the means to change into something better.  This is comforting and terrifying; the love part is great (think spirituality) but the change part is scary (enter:  religion.)  And so the hotline’s message rings glorious to our slothful and anxious ears:  you’re all done here, no improvements needed.  But we know that many improvements are needed, and our religious nature feels its way to those dark places where human nature is scared to go.

Yes, change hurts.  But doesn’t everything that matters?

So there you have it, my three big loud cheers for organized religion.  I did leave out one major benefit, though, which is the sense of community religious life provides.  I skipped it because, though our church families mean a great deal to us, they’re not enough to keep us committed to our faith.  If social support is why we attend church (as some critics suggest), then we’re as well off joining a country club or knitting circle.  Lots of worthwhile venues can provide us with a sense of family, and we are grateful for them.  But let’s not confuse dipping our toes in the waters of civic life with the sacrifice and change required for a religious life.  Which is, in my opinion, the good life.

 

I was in a bad mood last night

1.  I don’t understand WordPress and likely never will.

2.  My niece asked me to take a selfie for her family tree project, and after my fifth attempt I was forced to accept:  this is what I really look like.

3.  I heard a radio ad for a “hotline” available to callers who were thinking of leaving their religion, whatever that may be.  The hotline staff, they assured us, had been trained to help the callers not by calming their doubts, but by helping them simply find their way out—of any and all belief whatsoever.  The selling point, apparently, was that this “recovery” would be offered with no judgment, no guilt, no problem.  (Because really:  why do it to yourself, man?)

These three unrelated disasters gathered like the perfect storm on Saturday night to whip me into a frumpy, wrinkled, computer-illiterate dum dum who had just won a front-row seat to the End of Days.  (And I won’t lie:  #2 made me feel the worst.)  By nine o’ clock, I announced to my husband that I was in an official and exhaustive Bad Mood.  (I think I saw him flinch when I said it.  He’s seen my Bad Moods.)  So here’s how I worked it all out:

First, I had a little breakdown in front of the Hub and he gently reminded me that few bloggers are fluent in WordPress; most of them hire professional programmers (or a darling hub, if they’re lucky) to help them out.  This made me feel a little better, if no less stupid.

Second, I had a little breakdown in front of my camera, and I gently reminded myself that it was the tail end of winter, not to mention the tail end of a housecleaning/yardwork day, hence the greasy face and hair.  I also reminded myself that the indoor lighting was terrible (just go with it) and that I was still in the hopeful process of losing the winter six (seven) pounds, hence the wrinkled and frumpy.  This made me feel a little better, if no less wrinkled and frumpy.

Finally, I had a little breakdown in my heart, thinking about our culture’s confused determination to build a little faith into Our Great And Important Lives instead of building our little lives around Our Great And Important Faith.  And I gently reminded myself that the only way I could make sense of this problem—or any other—was to write about it.  And so I did.  Which made me feel a little better, if no less disheartened.

But more on that tomorrow.

Today, I’m feeling better.  Because today is Sunday, and it’s my favorite day of the week.  Today I get to put dinner in the crock pot and go to church with my family and soak up the silent, satisfied warmth of being not only where I should be, but where I want to be.  Today I get to go home with my family and talk and eat and laugh and turn from our little thoughts of the week to the big ideas of today.  And isn’t that what Sundays are all about?

Today is a new day, and I’m thankful to be in it.

 

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And thankful there was no one at the other end of the line to talk me out of it.