Last Sunday, after an especially shameful mutual-gorge, Derrick challenged me to join him in quitting sugar from that very day until Memorial Day weekend.  It has been eight days since we made the bet and so far neither of us has wavered.  I have not consumed a single gram of sugar in over a week. I will now offer you a multiple choice question to learn how I am doing:

a)  I feel great.

b)  I have more energy.

c)  I am less bloated.

d)  I am miserable.

Need I even waste breath in giving you the correct answer?  I am miserable.  MIZ. UH. RUH. BULL.  I’m always vaguely hungry, but not for anything I can have.  Cinnamon Orbit and Diet Squirt can only satisfy to a degree.  (We have not ruled out aspartame.  I know.  Baby steps.)  I do have some Weight Watchers Double Chocolate Mousse candies that are sugar-free.  They used to be favorites of mine when I ate them occasionally, but now that I’ve been popping a dozen a day, they are beginning to taste like poop-dipped Nilla wafers.  But I ask you: what else is a faithful to eat when she can’t have real chocolate-chip cookies, real chocolate chips (a mugful after dinner was standard) or real chocolate anything?  I’ll tell you what she eats:  twice the breads, twice the crackers, and twice the carbs that she used to.  And though all those white-flour no-nos amp up her daily caloric intake, none of them tastes very good.  Because, as she’s learned in these last eight days, a carb without sugar is like a week without a Target run:  bland, depressing, and ultimately pointless.

Derrick wagered that I would break before he did, and then added that whoever ate sugar first had to pay the other person one hundred dollars (“ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!”–said with pinkie on lip ala Dr. Evil), of their “own” money.    You see, I have recently starting working a bit (tutoring part-time), and my husband, it would seem, is now trying to get his hands on “my” money.  Well let me tell you, my faiths, that “my money” is hard-earned and earmarked for Important Things.  Necessary Things.  Extraspecial Things, like spring clothes, self-tanner and new pillows for my downstairs couch.  Does the Hub really think I’m gonna turn my filthy lucre over to him?  Puh-shaw.  Step aside, Sugar Daddy.  I’ll show you a Sugar-Free Mama.

You can see that all logic points to my not partaking of sugar for the entire three-week challenge.  Yes, it is only three weeks.  And yes, there are Primal Eaters out there who haven’t ingested a single carb–let alone a sugary one–in over a decade.  But I am not one of them, and none of them are me.  The Primal Eaters do not have a chocolate fondue party to attend the day after tomorrow (whatever do I tell my hostess?  For rude!)  The Primal Eaters aren’t jetting off to Portland this weekend to reunite with some of their oldest and dearest friends; friends with whom their main common interest has always been discovering cool restaurants and, of course, eating.  What–am I supposed to just sit stiffly while this couple orders cocoa mousse crepes at Suzettes on Alberta Street and say, “I know we haven’t seen each other in five years, but I’m just gonna sit here and watch you eat that crepe.  I am disciplined.  You are not.  Sorry.”  And most importantly, the Primals aren’t driving home Saturday morning just in time for the Mother’s Day Brunch that their ten-year old daughter has been planning with her church class for the last month.  I have been assured that delicacies defying description will be on the menu.  What am I to do?  A Primal Mother wouldn’t even touch the cracker tray, which is exactly why I have never been a Primal Mother.  I have only ever been a kindly, chubby mother, and it’s worked okay so far.  What do I tell my little girlie now?

I shall take a deep breath, and then I shall simply tell her what I have always told her:  It’s All Your Dad’s Fault.  He sucked me in and will, I fear, eventually suck me dry.  After I accepted his challenge last week, he loudly announced to our children that upon winning he would insist that I toss one-hundred single dollar bills over him as he lay on the bed, rolling around the money like a pig in poop.  (Think Demi Moore in the trailer of Indecent Proposal.  Never saw the movie myself, but you get the picture.  Derrick stretched across the mattress suggestively as paper bills shower down around him.  Eww.)

I can’t let him win this.  I just can’t.  It’ll be like a month-long game of Settlers of Catan.  But I can’t keep living without sugar, either.  What do I do?  Lie?  Cheat?  Steal?  You have to tell me.  I need advice from my faithfuls almost as much as I need a package of Fudge Sticks right now.  And that’s pretty bad.


7 thoughts on “He sucked me in and will suck me dry.

  1. I love everything about you and this! It’s like you take all of the jumbled thoughts in my head and turn them into something brilliant, entertaining and poetic. For some ridiculous reason I again decided I needed to lose some pounds before summer and thought getting rid of bad carbs and sugar would be the key. 2 weeks in and I am wondering why I would ever think of something so ridiculous! At least you can blame this one on your hubby. I totally won’t tell if you want to split a large blizzard with me, it’ll be our little secret. 😉

  2. Stash his favorite treats in his car and office. He’s not that strong is he? Although it would be fun to see that video of him rolling around in money . . .

  3. I’ve heard it takes 3 weeks of no sugar to lose the cravings, but once you get that first taste of sugar again, the sugar cravings are back instantly. There is no middle ground. good luck!

  4. Play the game…
    Have everyone you know bring treats to Derrick!!! Not at your house – but to church and his office!

  5. Jenn I think you should lose but then you have to film the money toss. It would be worth it to me to have you lose just so I could watch the video.

  6. I once suggested the South Beach Diet to a girlfriend who was looking for a healthy eating change, and she told me she felt like she was going to die and couldn’t make it past a week. I felt that way to and pushed through, but I’m not saying I’m all that great. I am a chocoholic with munching issues, so it was HARD. But, I did it. Because I was very determined, I stuck with it, and I did begin to look forward to and be satisfied by some things. Sugar free pudding (I actually preferred vanilla with sliced strawberries to the chocolate), I drank Sobe water instead of diet soda (I preferred the flavor of Sobe to Vitamin Water, and the water went down more smoothly) and I looked for my sweet treat in fruit (crunch apples were great). I don’t know if you like all of these things, but you can do it. Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack. Keep it regular so you don’t crash, and try not to make your snacks carbs. The simpler the carb (white bread, potatoes, etc.) the faster they turn to sugar. Have a little fat with your meal (i.e. use regular Ranch instead of light on your salad) as it will slow down the digestion of the good protein and good carbs you’re eating. I hope this helps. The other thing I did was throw myself into projects and when I thought of sugar, I’d try to do something else that needed doing. It STINKS, but you can make it. Good luck! 🙂

  7. Ha! Love this. It is so true, we are going to have so much fun Friday, I can’t wait. I will do the no sugar with you Jen just for mentioning us in your great post!

    I will have to find out how your tutoring jobs are going and I can compare them to olive’s. I am not smart enough to be a tutor myself but I am smart enough to have my 14 year old tutor for some extra money. :). See you Friday!

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